Blitzing this week's NFL games: The Best Picks

So, I’ve decided to make my first article writing for the Sports Jerk (or whatever we’re calling this blog) as mediocre as possible. I’m talking lackluster and unimaginative here people… that’s right everyone, weekly picks! Now, without further ado, let’s spread this weak sauce all over a bagel and get down to brass tacks here. Hopefully it won’t be so lengthy as to make our eyes get abortions (hint, hint, Troy).

Chicago at Dallas:

Fresh off stealing a victory in a game that was responsible for more broken hearts in Detroit than the death of the auto-industry, Chicago looks to make it 2-0; while the Cowboys look to make up for offensive production that only the Buccaneers from 20 years ago could envy. Dallas, a perpetual media darling, was many people’s pick to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, and their loss to an even more offensively inept Washington team has many of those same people questioning the hype. But you’d have to believe the Jets were really contenders to think this talented, if overrated, Dallas squad is gonna start the season 0-2. Take the ‘Boys. Dallas 24-14 and one Jay Cutler emasculation on live television.

Buffalo at Green Bay

Do you think the Green Bay Packers are worried that Ryan Grant is out for the year? If having the backup FB also play backup HB is any indication: no. And based on the type of running games cranked out by recent Super Bowl teams like the Colts, Cardinals, and Pats, perhaps there is very little reason to worry. They are certainly not better off for having lost Grant but Jackson isn’t that big of a downgrade (if he stays healthy), and the rest of the team is stacked. On the other hand, the Bills are in year 11 of rebuilding. Name three players on the Bills team right now, go ahead-do it, I’ll wait… yeah. Good luck Buffalo, at least you still have frigid winters and urban decay! Green Bay 31-17 and one ghost of Bruce Smith weeping in the bleachers.

                                            Not pictured: Jim Kelly - All-Pro, non-snowman

Pittsburgh at Tennessee

This is an interesting matchup. If the Steelers had Roethlisberger, it would be an easy pick, but they have some guy named “Dandy” Dennis Dixon playing at QB. They looked convincing in a win last week against a pretty good Falcons team, but an anemic offense lead by a 3^rd string QB is still as bad as it sounds. It’s gonna be a low scoring slugfest, but the Titans have fantasy pipe layer Chris Johnson. Apparently he’s gonna run 2500 yards Into the future and bring the AIDs vaccine on his way back… or something, I don’t follow sports myself. Tennessee 16-14 and one Big Ben sighting in the ladies bathroom.

Tampa Bay at Carolina

A game between two real contenders… from 7 years ago. Unless the Bucs don the cream sickle uniforms of yesteryear, the most exciting part of this game will be seeing if Panthers QB Matt Moore bleeds from the ears after coming back from a concussion last week. WE WANT CLAUSEN! Carolina 23-10 and two cities that don’t even care.

Kansas City at Cleveland

Oh, Cleveland, if only I would have saved that earlier joke about “at least having frigid winters and urban decay” for you. You deserve it fella, and it certainly applies to you as well. But hey! you’re favored to win this game for some reason… Cleveland rocks! I just don’t think so… Kansas City 21-13 and one big cloud of dust.

Philadelphia at Detroit

Keeping with our “frigid winters and urban decay” theme that keeps popping up, we have none other than the Detroit Lions, fresh off a loss in the Common Sense Bowl, facing off against the heavily concussed Philadelphia Eagles. It’s obvious that the Lions are an improved team; gone are the days of being the absolute worst team in NFL history and the future is bright with promise of 4-6 glorious, glorious wins (in one season!). Yet, how can anyone possibly expect them to construct a successful game plan for stopping Mike Vick? They better brush up on those tapes of Vick from 2006, because it certainly looks like that is the guy they will be facing. Philadelphia 27-17 and one shot fired, two males seen fleeing from the scene. (See, decided not to go with a dog fighting joke there. Hooray for me. Although Vick from 06 would also be on top of his dog fighting game.)

Miami at Minnesota

At the beginning of this year, I really, really liked Miami. I believe I even named them as one of my two AFC wildcard teams, but I was given great pause just before the start of the season when Bill Parcells suddenly stepped down-setting himself up for the broadcast booth and a run on early bird specials. You know what else can give one pause? Seeing what you consider a good team outscore the Buffalo Bills 15-10. Wowee. Furthermore, despite my personal belief that the Vikings are as poised for a fall as any contender is from last year, I really don’t see them letting another game get away. Brett Favre will play better, the defense will actually show up, and the Dolphins won’t have an answer on offense. Minnesota 28-10 and one Metrodome electrical fire unnoticed by fans at home.

Arizona at Atlanta

CAWWWW! Atlanta 17-14 and one too many NFL teams named after birds.

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Baltimore looked sharp against the trash talking, ever hate-able New York Jets. The Bengals did… not. But the Jets are a fraud, and the Bengals played the flippin’ Patriots. Why the hell was everyone so low on the Pats and so high on the Jets a few weeks ago? I’ll tell you why: fluoridation. Cincinnati 20-14 and one instance of Terrell Owens feeling sorry for himself in a win.  

St. Louis at Oakland

Bo Jackson used to play for Oakland, so did Darth Vader. Presently someone named Namdi  Asomugah plays for them… and he might be the best CB in football. Not like St. Louis can pass a football anyway. Oakland 23-16 and sixty tools dressed up like they’re from the movie Road Warrior.  

Seattle at Denver

I think Pete Carroll is gonna have a good go as a head coach this time around. I don’t think Tim Tebow will ever be any good. Neither of those things really matter at this point and time, and neither do either of these teams. Seattle 20-14 and one disgraced college university.

New England at New York Jets

Just when I thought everyone had cooled their jets (hahaha) on supporting the New York bandwagon, the Patriots are only favored in this game by 3 points. Did everyone sleep through Tom Brady and Wes Welker making sweet magic on the field last weekend? Because I did. The Jets are my upset pick of the week, for absolutely no good reason! New York Jets 19-17 and one definitively blown pick by yours truly.

Jacksonville at San Diego

The Jaguars will probably have just as many fans at the SD game as they do when they play in Jacksonville. They will definitely have the same amount of talent and coaching ability; this is bad news for a team that over achieved last week. San Diego is going to be hungry coming off that upset loss. San Diego 27-14 and one less fan than in Jacksonville.

Houston at Washington

Here’s another match up that I like for a potential upset. Obviously, the red hot Texans are favored, and even though Washington got the win last week they did it in rather unconvincing fashion. However, I think Houston’s win last week was more a perfect storm of success than it was proof positive that the Texans are a real contender. Don’t get me wrong, I like the Texans, I even like them to make the playoffs and maybe even to make some noise once in… but they are due for a quick stumble after a similarly exhilarating start to the regular season. So, you’ve heard it here first… three people that actually read this; it’s gonna be Washington 23-20 and one more surprising win for McNabb’s Redskins.

New York Giants at Indianapolis

Finally, after nearly four years of waiting, Manning Bowl 2 is here. The last one was a forerunner to back to back Super Bowl wins by the Manning brothers. One has to think the winner of this years’ Manning Bowl could repeat history and be a champion again by the end of the season (…if they’re Peyton Manning anyhow). The Giants are better than a lot of people think, their defense looks back up to snuff, and Eli Manning plus his WRs pose a truly dangerous threat to the opposition. Yes sir, they are gonna compete hard for a playoff spot this year. Too bad the Colts aren’t gonna lose 2 in a row. No way and no how… Indianapolis 34-24 and one Manning brother hurt playing high school football and never heard from again.

New Orleans at San Francisco

So much for a Super Bowl slump, well, at least for one high profile game. Regardless, the Saints looked razor sharp in last weeks marquee match up against the very talented Vikings. The 49ers, another off season media darling that is doomed to underachieve, looked completely lost and out of sync, however. They will play better this week, at least, the play calling on offense won’t be so disjointed, but Alex Smith is still gonna be playing QB. Meanwhile, the Saints have some gentleman named Drew Brees, and he is setting the NFL ablaze while barely seeing over the top of his offensive linemen. Sean Payton isn’t half bad either; perhaps Mike Singletary should stand back and learn a thing or two. New Orleans 31-17 and one ex49er feeling remorse for what he said about his former teammate Rudy.

And so there you have it; some of the most brilliant football picks in history. Because certainly, I cannot be just as hackneyed and clueless as every other sports talking head… certainly. To find out more information about all my greatness, look for my next article on the top 10 QBs of all time (its gonna be waaay better than that other hack’s list). Until then, here’s more information on how to pronounce Raiders CB Namdi Asoahmuhohahays name. Good luck, sports fans! -Blake Broussard